The Golden Globes: Crazy Celebrity Behavior Predicted
Posted by tim on 14 Jan 2007 at 4:43 pm | Tagged as: Television, YouTubery
Every year, a mysterious organization called the Hollywood Foreign Press Association throws a shindig honoring the best and brightest of film and television. Less formal than the Oscars and less tedious than the Emmys, The Globes has come to be known for its unpredictable, sometimes slurred acceptance speeches and questionable celebrity antics.
By inputting events of last year’s Golden Globes (and one from 1998) into a mathematical formula of my design, I’ve come up with a few mildly non sequitur predictions for this year’s televised misadventure.
The Event
Will Ferrell, in a striking upset over Sacha Baron Cohen, wins for Best Actor in a Motion Picture, Musical or Comedy, for Stranger Than Fiction.
The Prediction
Will Ferrell + Steve Carell’s 2006 win for The Office = Sacha Baron Cohen accepts the award on Ferrell’s behalf and then proceeds to thank himself for giving Ferrell the opportunity to star in Talladega Nights, somehow incorporating a series of explicit anti-Semitic remarks in the process.
Leonardo DiCaprio wins for Best Actor in a Motion Picture, Drama, for The Departed.The Prediction
Leonardo DiCaprio + Christine Lahti’s 1998 “I was in the bathroom” incident = Unable to accept his award in person, DiCaprio appears on the big screen behind the podium, making his acceptance speech via satellite from the bathroom of his L.A. home.
The Event
Dennis Quaid decides to make another appearance despite last year’s failed attempt at humor, also known as the Brokeback Mountain-is-a-film-whose-description-rhymes-with-”chick flick” disaster.
The Prediction
Dennis Quaid + Notes on a Scandal’s lesbian overtones = Quaid steals a few too many “confidence sips” from his flask and somehow manages to mention Dame Judi Dench and “rhymes with carpet bunching” in the same sentence.
Felicity Huffman wins for Best Actress, Musical or Comedy, for Desperate Housewives.The Prediction
Felicity Huffman + the Desperate Housewives‘ stars going home empty-handed last year = Marcia Cross, angry at being overlooked yet again, begins sending Huffman oddly specific death threats, prompting her to leave Housewives to star in a string of action/adventure romantic comedies alongside husband William H. Macy, including box office hit The Splendiferous Zeppelin Escapades of Filliam H. Muffman.
The Event
Warren Beatty is honored by the HPFA with the Cecil B. DeMille Award.
The Prediction
Warren Beatty + Harrison Ford’s slurred speech last year = Harrison Ford storms the podium in a drunken rage, stealing the award from Beatty and claiming it on behalf of Han Solo fans everywhere. Shortly thereafter, he collapses in a pool of his own sick.
Odds are the actual ceremony won’t be this interesting, but if you’d like to find out what really happens, tune in to The Golden Globes Monday @ 8 pm on NBC. And, in the meantime, check out the full list of nominees.
